Most of you know my husband is deploying very soon. My brain is a complete mess. As a military wife, I’ve been through deployments before but I’ve been very lucky. Never has it been over three months and we haven’t had one over a month long since our daughter has been born.
Now she is six and doesn’t understand why her Daddy has to leave for a year. I know she isn’t the first and wont be the last military brat to go through this but I’m not sure how to help her through it when getting myself through is a struggle.
I’m over hearing people say “You signed up for this kind of life style”, “Its only a year”, “Be strong”. Well you know what… I don’t want to… Yes I knew my husband wouldn’t always be around because of the choice he made to defend our country and protect those we love but does that make it easier to process? NO. I know its only a year but its still a fucking YEAR.
I hate feeling upset over our situation when I know so many other families do this more often or for longer periods of time but I don’t want to move back in with my parents and be without my husband for a year.
If it was just the deployment maybe I wouldn’t be so stressed but of course it cant just be one thing. Its my health..again, yeah, it could always be worse but its pretty fucking bad. Bad enough that I cant move to our next duty station because I cant take care of myself let alone my daughter. Its stupid and unfair and I hate it. I Hate It! I hate not being able to go to work but instead try to make being an author work so that I feel like I have some worth to my family.
I’m left wondering…how does anyone actually make writing worth it? I love having my ideas and words filling peoples brains and I’ve been SO, SO lucky to gain the readers I have but dang if it isn’t so much harder than I thought.
With reviews getting snatched left and right and so many free books available…how does anyone do it? I look at my sales rank and feel bad for the books that are sinking. I don’t know how to help them or if I even should.
I think, (and it probably wont happen, this is emotional me speaking ) I’m going to stop trying so hard for a while. After my release party on Friday, I’m going to stop promoting and just see if my works are strong enough to stand on their own for a while.
I’m going to spend time with my daughter, trying to prepare her for our move…try to enjoy our last weeks in California and pick up my work when I get to New Hampshire. Its going to be really hard to put down my pimping skills for a while but I mentally and emotionally need the break. I stress myself out way too much over if my books are being picked up and read.
The last year has been incredible, frustrating, eye opening and I’m thankful for it… but I need a small break.